This has to be an urban legend.  Life is never *this* funny!


Jerks
~~~~~~

     Now get this.  I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a
     phone call I had to make.  I found the number and dialed it.
     A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"  I politely said, "This
     is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
     Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me!  I couldn't believe
     that anyone could be that rude.  I tracked down Robin's correct
     number and called her.  She had transposed the last two digits.
     After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still
     lying there on my desk.  I decided to call it again.  When the
     same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!" and
     hung up.  Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and
     put it in my desk drawer.  Every couple of weeks, when I was
     paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up.  He'd
     answer, and then I'd yell, 'You're a jerk!"  It would always
     cheer me up.


     Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID.  This
     was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling
     the jerk.  Then one day I had an idea.

     I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello."

     I made up a name.  "Hi.  This is Herman with the telephone
     company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our
     caller ID program?"

     He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down.

     I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a
     jerk!"


     And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show
     you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do
     something about it.  Just dial 722-4822.


     The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the
     parking space.  I didn't think she was ever going to leave.
     Finally her car began to move and she started to very slowly back
     out of the stall.  I backed up a little more to give her plenty
     of room to pull out.  Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.

     All of a sudden this black camaro come flying up the parking isle
     in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.  I started
     honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy.  I
     was here first!"  The guy climbed out of his camaro completely
     ignoring me.  He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear
     me.  I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot
     of jerks in this world.  I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the
     back window of his car.  I wrote down the number.  Then I hunted
     for another place to park.

     A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk.  I had
     just gotten off the phone after calling 722-4822 and yelling,
     "You're a jerk!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have
     his number on speed dial).  I noticed the phone number of the guy
     with the black camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better
     call this guy, too.  After a couple rings someone answered the
     phone and said,

     "Hello."

     I said, "Is this the man with the black camaro for sale?"

     "Yes it is."

     "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

     "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street.  It's a yellow house and
     the car's parked right out front.

     I said, "What's your name?"

     "My name is Don Hansen."

     "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

     "I'm home in the evenings."

     "Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

     "Yes."

     "Don, you're a jerk!"  And I slammed the phone down.

     After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.


     For a while things seemed to be going better for me.  Now when
     I had a problem I had two jerks to call.  Then after several
     months of calling the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole

     thing started to seem like an obligation.  It just wasn't as
     enjoyable as it used to be.  I gave the problem some serious
     thought and came up with a solution.

     First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1.

     A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."

     I yelled "You're a jerk!" But I didn't hang up.

     The jerk said, "Are you still there?"

     I said, "Yeah.."

     He said, "Stop calling me."

     I said, "No."

     He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

     I said, "Don Hansen."

     "Where do you live?"

     "1802 West 34th Street.  It's a yellow house and my black
     camaro's parked out front."

     "I'm coming over right now, Don.  You'd better start saying your
     prayers."

     "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up.


     Then I called Jerk #2.

     He answered, "Hello."

     I said, "Hello, Jerk!"

     He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

     "You'll what?"

     "I'll kick your butt."

     "Well, here's your chance.  I'm coming over right now Jerk!"

     And I hung up.


     Then I picked up the phone and called the police.  I told them
     a big gang fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street.  After
     that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to
     watch the whole thing.  I turned onto 34th Street and parked my
     car under the shade of a tree half a block from Jerk #2's house.
     There were two guys fighting out front.  Suddenly there were
     about 12 police cars and a helicopter. The police wrestled the
     two men to the ground and took them away.


     A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty.  I was
     picked to be on a trial of two guys charged with disorderly
     conduct.  As luck would have it, it happened to be the same two
     guys.  I might have influenced the jury, because when they
     announced the verdict, they said, "We the jury find the
     defendants to be guilty, and a couple of jerks!"